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Cooking Terms:
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
Scientfic Truth:
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be
discovered.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.
You can listen to thunder and tell how close it came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got it, so never mind.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.
Latin Phrases
Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?
Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we'll still be friends.
Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.
Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.
Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.
Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.
Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!
Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!
Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see
me?
Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota
monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
could chuck wood?
Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That's nothing-in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.
Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.
Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!
I forgot to polish the clocks!
Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.
Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.
Vacca foeda
Stupid cow
Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.
Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed
Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let's all wear mood rings!
Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan's Island
Scented Candles for Men
It seems in this day and time you can't go into an area dominated by a woman without detecting the 'aroma' (odorous terribilis) of some kind of bizarre scented candle. Everything from 'Boisonberry Vanilla Potpourri' to 'Spice Orange Jasmine Chocolate'. Sometimes it gives me a headache! Well, it's about time men had their own scented candles. Below you will
find a few scents men would appreciate.
ATTENTION WOMEN: I know a few of you will understand these. Most of you won't.
SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN
'62 Chevy truck - Interior and Exhaust
Gunpowder
Wet Dog (only if it's your own dog)
Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods)
Wood Smoke
Chainsaw Exhaust
Freshly Caught Bass
Foot Locker
Fresh Cow Pie (especially if it's your own cows)
Ozone (arc welder, of course)
Acetlyene
Freshly Moved Dirt
Diesel Engine Exhaust
Rubbing Alcohol
Sale Barn
Silage
Sawdust
New Tires
Hot Metal
3 Year Old Cap
Petroleum Products:
Gasoline
Diesel
Kerosene
Drip Gas
Propane
Quail Guts (shoot, ANY guts!)
Ammonia Fertilizer (light, of course)
Burning Grass or Leaves (not that 'pot' crap, either!)
Napalm (I've never smelled it but my brother has)
Alfalfa
Firecrackers
Latex Paint
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