How You Can Tell if Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease 1. Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne. 2. She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date." 3. Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears. 4. Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder. 5. Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body. 6. Your cow demands to be branded with the "Golden Arches Logo". 7. Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. 8. Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson. 9. You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago. 10.Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King. 11.She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia. 12. Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it's already got a cool leather jacket. 13. Your cow gets a job at the Beef Marketing Board. 14. Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards. 15. Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cow's cuds. 16. Your cow seems to actually enjoy being "Hog-tied". 17. Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time. 18. Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells out "Bulleye"! 19. Your cow starts smoking the cowlick. 20. Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar". 21. Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cow |
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter: Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moooo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud." |
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that cow manure, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." |
The old belief was Indians could put his ear to the ground, and could tell you if something was coming from far off. The Chief was riding a horse across the prairie, and came across an young Indian man with his head to the ground. "What do you hear? What is it?" "Wagon Train," the Indian said. "Three wagons. First on one with squaw with papoose. Next wagon with cow tied to back. Last one full of men with big guns." "Wow! You have really been working on your skill. How did you know all that?" asked the Chief. The young Indian answered, "They ran over me half hour ago." |
A farmer had been ripped-off several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows: Basic cow 499.95 Shipping and handling 35.75 Extra stomach 79.25 Two tone exterior 142.10 Produce storage compartment 126.50 Heavy duty straw chopper 189.60 Four spigot/high output drain system 149.20 Automatic fly swatter 88.50 Genuine cowhide upholstery 179.90 Deluxe dual horns 59.25 Automatic fertilizer attachment 339.40 4 x 4 traction drive assembly 884.16 Pre-delivery wash and comb 69.80 FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: 2843.36 Additional dealer adjustments: 300.00 TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $3143.36 |
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